Elizabeth Weintraub • Sacramento Short Sale Agent • Land Park

About once every 3 months on a Sunday, I find a couple of hours to go shopping at the downtown Sacramento mall. It's not so much that I really enjoy shopping as it is a necessity in my line of work. When my husband is out of town, it's also an alternative to having to do my own laundry. If I could get away with wearing t-shirts with holes in them and beat-up jeans, that's what I would wear to meet with clients. But as a Sacramento short sale agent, my sellers expect me to dress the part. It kind of goes with the territory.

I used to be a woman who always wore a suit. No matter what. Suit, hose and polished shoes. Then one day I asked myself why? Why did I need to take myself so seriously and dress like corporate America? That's an image all right, but it's not me. I'm not St. John or Ann Taylor.

I'm much more counterculture. I grew up in the 1960s. You know what was really hard to find in the '60s and '70s? High heel shoes. My feet would support a 6-inch heel back then, but they were few and far between in the stores. If you wanted spike heels, you had to buy them at a store for hookers, and then they looked like shoes you bought at a store for hookers.

What wasn't hard to find was girdles. They were everywhere, and they came in all sorts of sizes and shapes. One of the best things to come out of the women's movement and modern fashion was the disappearance of girdles. But guess what? They are baaacck. Oh, they call them body shapers now, but they are taking over lingerie departments. Just when you think it's safe to breathe again without strapping yourself into a corset of bones, the body shapers come along. It sounds sinister, and it is. Who decided this?

I was in the shoe department at Macy's because I can't go to Macy's without visiting the shoe department and buying 2 to 3 pairs of shoes. I learned a few things. First, the downtown Macy's is suffering an inventory problem, just like all the other Macy's in Sacramento. If you want to buy a size 6, you better show up when product arrives because they don't keep much on hand. In this down economy, they are struggling. Macy's is trying to reduce overhead yet remain competitive, and it's not working.

Second, many of the shoes on display had 6- to 10-inch heels. That's definitely the new trend. Trying to find a shoe with a 3-inch heel was pretty difficult. When you get older like me, the padding on your feet thins. So, if you wear a high heel, you can experience pain in your arches. You can buy gel pads online, the kind with a loop for your toe, or you can try Calvin Klein. Calvin Klein shoes are manufactured with built-in gel cushioning pads.

Third, I could not believe this woman's family telling her she looked like a dog in the shoes she was trying on. She was an African American, and her sister said she needed to get a suntan to wear the shoes. The shoes she had strapped to her feet were platforms with 8-inch heels. I told her she's gonna fall over and kill herself. But she giggled and assured me she was used to wearing shoes like these. Oh, my god, I was sounding like my mother.

I thought about not saying what I felt should be said next. I considered leaving those words inside my head. But then I didn't know this woman; she didn't know me; and I'll probably never see her again. She didn't ask for my opinion, but I offered it anyway, because that's just the kind of person I am. I told her the shoes on her feet looked exactly like the kind of shoes that Elton John would wear.

Well, it was time to leave Macy's and go home anyway.

How complacent have we become that when something doesn't work right, we just take it for granted? We say, OK, it's not working now but it will probably work later, and we go about our day doing something else. Sometimes, we might unplug an electronic component and plug it back in, or remove the battery and replace it, which may or may not correct the problem. But that's about as proactive as we become.

We're not willing to invest more time in these types of projects for a variety of reasons. It could be because things that stop working are outside of our area of expertise. Makes us sort of helpless. Nobody likes to feel helpless, so it's easier to ignore the problem and hope it will correct itself. Other times, experience has shown us that we can't fix it, regardless of what we do.

When we're dealing with a website, for example, it often does correct itself. That's because there are hundreds of little tiny leprechauns inside our computers or running around the galaxy with magic wands who fix these things behind the scenes. Oh, wait, that's just what I tell myself.

If something around my house breaks, the first thing I do is wonder if I broke it or caused it to somehow malfunction. If I didn't do it, did somebody else do it -- perhaps a certain trio of cats or a husband or a housekeeper? If it wasn't them, was it an outside force, maybe a power surge or the hand of Thor or maybe an appliance just got tired of living and conked out because its warranty had expired.

Sometimes, though, it's just a battery.

How do you like this view of the Darth Vader building downtown Sacramento? We went to the Crest Theatre on Sunday to see the movie I Am. Glad that we did. I wholeheartedly recommend that movie. I don't know if it will change your life but if the concept is new to you, maybe it will. It's very moving. When the audience applauded at the end, I teared up.

I could sit and listen to Desmond Tutu all day. Have you seen this movie yet?

Photo: Elizabeth Weintraub

The month of April brings us Passover, Easter and a new listing near downtown Sacramento. It's a fun time of year because maple trees are leafing out, roses are beginning to bloom and I feel like jumping in my car, putting down the top and zooming around mountain roads like a crazy woman. But no, I am here typing a blog for you to read.

Just for the record, let me say that I have had the pleasure of being a guest at exactly 2 Passover Seders in my life. I made a mistake at the first one that I did not repeat at the second. I was a bit astonished when I sat down at the table to eat only to discover there was nothing to eat but parsley. Sprigs of parsley, I kid you not. Oh, and crackers, and then they passed around a dish of these really weird bitter and sour things. I thought to myself no wonder Jewish people are so thin.

But I was determined to fit in. I was probably all of 19, and my boyfriend at the time happened to be Jewish. This Seder was held at his parent's house. I spied a little dish of pink applesauce at the table, and my eyes lit up. I love applesauce! Just as his parents were dishing up the brisket -- yay, real food -- I casually spooned a big gob of applesauce into my mouth. Yikes. My head was about to explode. But I sat there quietly, smiling and making pleasant conversation. Mmmm, horseradish, mmmm, good.

That's when I knew I would probably make a good real estate agent.

Here is a new listing that is a short sale in Sacramento. It's a PUD -- townhome style, located on a private road behind Q Street and between 9th and 10th Streets. So, the location really cuts down on the traffic noise the other units on Q Street have to put up with. It's in the Saratoga Townhomes, which had the exteriors painted in more contemporary colors not so long ago.

The sellers have made super nice updates to this home. Maple floors -- hardwood maple, they are gorgeous and run through the entry, the living room and dining room. The kitchen has newer cabinets and appliances. Lights in the upper glass-door cabinets, too. Kohler sink, designer hood vent for the stove, plus, the refrigerator stays. The kitchen and first-floor bath sport ceramic floors.

Upstairs is a loft area, remodeled into a media center and wired for such. There is also a skylight which brings in a lot more light than you see in the other units in Saratoga. The bedrooms are good sized and share an updated bath, ceramic tile around the tub / shower and ceramic on the vanity, too.

There is a balcony off the bedroom toward the front, and both bedrooms have closet organizers. It's a perfect set up for a person or couple who is always on the go and want a lock-and-go lifestyle. Association dues are $265 a month, and there is a one-car attached garage.

956 Q Street, Sacramento, CA 95811 is offered exclusively by Lyon Real Estate as a short sale at $195,000. For more information, please call your Sacramento short sale agent, Elizabeth Weintraub, at 916 233 6759. For a private showing, please call Barbara Dow at 916 761 7398.

Photos: Elizabeth Weintraub

It's a bit difficult to type this morning because I have tiny cactus spurs and thorns embedded in the tips of my fingers. Why? Because I sort of took a day off yesterday. When I take a day off, which is pretty rare, it means I remove my body from its upright position in front of the computer. It doesn't mean that I turn off my cellphone or don't answer it.

Although, I did turn it off in the movie theater. It was such a glorious day in Sacramento that my husband and I decided to walk downtown from Land Park. It's about a 45-minute walk to downtown from homes in Land Park. We've been meaning to check out the K Street development and also see that animated movie at The Crest, My Dog Tulip, based on the 1956 memoir by J. R. Ackerley. If you haven't seen this movie, it's hilarious and warm and touching. You don't have to own a dog to enjoy it.

Afterward, we crossed the street to the Dive Bar to see if any mermaids were swimming around. But there were only saltwater fish in the tank over the bar. It was very dark. Some old guy at the end of the bar stared at the surface of the bar while he nursed his drink. He could have been drunk. Or homeless. A younger couple chatted over martinis and looked inebriated. I wondered how people can sit in a bar and drink at 2 PM on a Sunday afternoon. Oh, wait, was I never 21? Eh, we forget these things . . .

There was nothing to eat in the The Dive Bar but cheesy fish-shaped crackers, so we went next door to Pizza Rock. I could have died and gone to heaven when I bit into the Margherita pizza. Well, not that you'd know heaven by the mural painted on the ceiling. My husband asked why God was giving the little fat baby in the corner a Vulcan nerve pinch. I mused that the guy at the other end of the mural looked like that Tauran guy, Sam Adama, from Caprica. Although the naked teenaged girl snuggled up to God was a little weird.

Margherita pizza: San Marzano tomatoes, swirls of mouth-watering mozzarella, fresh basil, sea salt -- produced in about 90 seconds from a 900-degree wood-fired oven. I'm telling you, it's to die for.

After walking home, it was a perfect time to clean up the cactus garden. The pear cacti had fallen over during the last couple of rain storms because the soil just gives way. We have a lot of clay soil in Land Park, which can get too soaked to support something that tall and heavy. I'm still not yet finished in the garden or I'd post a photo. I feel a bit guilty that I've been so busy selling Sacramento short sales that I've neglected my cactus garden. It needs even more pruning and weeding than I had time for yesterday. Hence, the cactus spurs. There's always a price to pay.

Photos: Elizabeth Weintraub, BlackBerry Bold Camera, yes, that's a truck protruding from the wall at Pizza Rock. I don't know why.

Sometimes, the odds are against you, especially when they are 50/50. That might sound like a peculiar thing to hear from a woman like myself. I'm generally a lot more positive than that, but I have learned from experience that if the odds of success are 50/50, chances are strong that something will go wrong -- because let's face it, half the time they do. Otherwise, the odds would not be 50/50.

For example, it makes me nervous to buy tickets online. Tickets for anything. You know how you get that screen that says "you have 3 minutes to complete" whatever? That makes my heart pound. There's a margin for error. And if you read my blogs, you know I'm one of those cranky persons who hates getting stuck in the nosebleed section for a show or a concert. I want to buy tickets in the first few rows. If I can't buy those kind of tickets, then I don't want to go. Spittooey.

So, when I saw that tickets went on sale yesterday at 10 AM for an impromptu Robin Williams show Sunday at the Crest Theatre in downtown Sacramento, I thought it would be a good idea to take my husband and go. Even though my husband says Robin Williams seems to have lost his touch. Hey, he can't be Mork forever. My husband doesn't think Williams is that funny anymore. I admit that I have watched a few Robin Williams specials in which the material wasn't that funny, but I don't think any comedian really outgrows a funny bone. Besides, he is probably a lot funnier in person. I've never seen a live Robin Williams performance.

Robin Williams has a new stand-up comedy tour and I guess decided at the last minute to try out his fresh material in Sacramento. See, you Bay Area people -- I'm wagging my finger at you -- this is yet another good reason to live in Sacramento! So, I hopped over to tickets dot com to refresh my screen every 2 seconds. Bingo. The tickets went on sale. I quickly selected my seating option. The next screen asked me to type those twisty, convoluted numbers designed to prevent spam into a box and click continue. Geez, I hate deciphering that crap. 

By mistake, I clicked start over. Ack. What? Well, for starters, I probably typed the numbers wrong because I couldn't really read them. And I couldn't find my big, honkin' magnifying glass that I keep on my desk for such emergencies. But to click the wrong button! What are the odds, again? I should have clicked "continue." Not start over.

So, that is why I have tickets for the 4th row and not the first row. But that's not so bad. Besides, I heard the show sold out in 26 minutes. Proceeds of the show are being donated to the Sacramento Food Bank.

Photo: Big Stock Photo

Let me just come out and say there is nothing like this on the market in downtown Sacramento. Here is a unique opportunity to buy that 3-bedroom, 2-bath home your heart has been searching for at an affordable price. If you crave an urban lifestyle, this is the home for you. Of course, it sits across the street from multiple-family housing but what doesn't in downtown Sacramento? That's part of the lifestyle. You get a mix of rentals, sometimes commercial, among residential homes. That's what attracts urban buyers to downtown.

Urban buyers want to live close to work, shopping and restaurants. Some downtown residents don't want a car. But if you have a car, this home has a garage for it. If you don't, the garage offers you additional storage space. Plus, it has built-in cabinets and overhead rafters.

The home is on a dead-end street, tucked away in the Old Sacramento City subdivision. It's a two-story halfplex built in 1989, so you get the advantages of newer construction without an HOA fee. A neighbor next door mows the front the lawn for $40 a month. Part of the front yard is fenced, with a grassy area and courtyard, bordered by rose bushes. In the back, you'll find a concrete and paved patio under an overhang, plus a small cactus garden.

All of the bedrooms are upstairs, with a bath down and a bath up. The first floor has tile floors, which is great if you have pets because they won't be tracking mud all over the carpeting when it rains in Sacramento. There is room for a table in the kitchen, plus you'll get a stainless steel refrigerator, a built-in dishwasher and microwave, and a toaster oven is built-in under a cabinet. The sink is flanked by windows in the corner so when you rinse dishes, you can gaze outside at the rose bushes. It's a very pretty view. Oh, and you'll also get inside laundry with a stacked washer and dryer. No more trips to the laundromat.

The spacious master is located at the back of the home, away from the street. Even though the street doesn't get much traffic, it's still nice to know you can sleep in on the weekends with little noise interference. Like the other bedrooms, it has a ceiling fan, which will cut down on those central heat and air utility bills.

If you'd like a sneak preview, this home will be held open on Saturday, February 20th, from 1:00 to 4 PM. It will also be open on Sunday, February 21st, from 12:00 to 4:00 PM.

420 8th Street, Sacramento, CA 95814, offered exclusively by Lyon Real Estate at $329,000. This is a regular sale. It is NOT a bank-owned home nor a short sale. If you are a first-time home buyer, you might qualify for the $8,000 home buyer tax credit as this can surely close within 30 days. For more information, call your Sacramento agent, Elizabeth Weintraub, 916.233.6759.

Photos: Elizabeth Weintraub

IN THE SUMMER OF 2010, THE SELLER TOOK THIS HOME OFF THE MARKET TO RENT IT, AND IT IS NO LONGER FOR SALE.

Funerals make you hungry. Either that, or they make you cry. Last Saturday, I attended a funeral with my husband in downtown Sacramento. After the service, we went to Jim-Denny's Hamburgers Chili for lunch. This is a little hole-in-the-wall restaurant that has been a 76-year tradition in Sacramento. We've been meaning to go there for years and, in fact, did stop by a few years ago but it was too crowded, so we left.

Now, if you go to a Catholic funeral, they generally feed you. But the funeral we went to was Lutheran. I actually have very little experience with funerals. I realized that fact when I reached my mid-30s. I don't know how a person can be on this planet for 30-some years without going to a funeral, but I had managed it.

As a result, I reached out to my girlfriend who had more experience than me. I asked her to guide me through funeral etiquette. Clearly, somebody I knew would die soon, and I didn't want to be caught off-guard. I thought it would be easier to attend a funeral for a person I did not know, so I picked a death notice out of the newspaper, circled the date of the funeral on my calendar and considered that my practice funeral.

Here are some of the things that I learned:

• A death notice is generally an invitation in disguise to go to a funeral
  
• You don't have to wear black.
• Stuff some tissues in your pocket.
• If you don't know the family, don't sit with them.
• It's OK to cry.
• It's OK to sing, but not all by yourself.

I was pretty sure it's not a good idea to leave your cellphone on, so when we walked into St. John's Lutheran Church on Saturday, I turned my phone to "silent." The cantor had a beautiful voice, and I was mesmerized. But not so much that I didn't feel my cellphone vibrate. No, no, no, don't touch it. Bzzt. Bzzt. But I couldn't help myself. I looked around. We were sitting in an end pew. People would probably think I was praying with my head bowed. I did the unthinkable. I slowly slipped my cellphone out of my pocket and glanced at my email. Now, I'm probably going to hell for that.

But soon the guilt was overturned by the sense of hunger. Which is what led us to Jim-Denny's Hamburgers Chili. Going there just seemed appropriate for some reason. This little restaurant is located on 12th Street between H and I Street. Here is a photo of the interior. It's the size of a cable car and dates back to 1934. The signs on the wall advertise fancy ham, fancy hamburgers, back when anything better than ordinary was called fancy.

A handwritten sign next to the old wall phone warned customers that if they sit next to the phone and it rings, they must answer it and take an order. I was glad my husband had that seat. We arrived at 11:45, 15 minutes before lunch. Everybody at the counter, which is the only place to eat, were busy stuffing gigantic omelets into their mouths. The servings were humongous, along the lines of what you get at the Market Club in Land Park.

I ordered the 5-cent hamburger with raw onions, lettuce, tomatoes and no pickles. You can see it in the photo above. Well, you won't see the onions because the waiter forgot to give them to me. He also put mustard on the bottom bun but the top bun was dry. My husband got the Superburger with bacon and requested no cheese. They gave him a burger with cheese.

The french fries were pretty good, though. Sliced very thin and crispy without being too crunchy. The fries reminded me of those served at the drugstore where I used to go after school in the 1960s. In fact, the hamburger brought back those memories, too. Pretty tasty food for a 12-year-old. But now that I'm an old goat, my taste buds have matured. I prefer thicker hamburgers, like the Waterboy Deluxe Burger, made from ground chuck. Perhaps I should have ordered the megaburger?

By the time we slid out of our seats, $20 poorer and a bit fatter than when we walked in the door, there were so many people standing behind us that I couldn't reach my bag on the floor. I grabbed the handle and tugged it between the stools, almost knocking some guy in the face. That's when I realized my cellphone was still turned to "silent." Ah, the sweet bliss of no phone calls about my Sacramento short sales for two solid hours. It was back to business. If we go back to Jim-Denny's, though, I will definitely order the megaburger.

I should also mention that the funeral was for a real estate agent who worked at my midtown office of Lyon Real Estate. I suspect he forgave me for looking at my cellphone. He was the type who would understand. He was a good egg and will be missed. You know, we just don't have enough good eggs in this world.

Photos: Elizabeth Weintraub

Here is a once in a lifetime opportunity to buy that panoramic view of downtown Sacramento at a price that won't make you use the drive-through at McDonald's to afford living downtown. This is a desirable East Wing corner unit that features a bonus window. Imagine sitting down to a twilight dinner at your dining room table and enjoying a view of our beautiful Capitol all lit up and sparkling against the evening sky.

Three rooms share a south-facing view and balcony -- from downtown Sacramento to Raley's Field to the majestic mountain coastal range. There are no large buildings in front of you blocking the horizon. It's just you and 4 blocks of canopied treetops below. You're in another world -- a private world of quiet, urban sophistication.

This 2 bedroom, 2 bath condo is updated, boasting oversized ceramic tile flooring, granite counters, stainless appliances with a refrigerator, designer light pendants and an open floor plan from the kitchen to the dining area to the family room. Perfect entertainment setting.

The baths are spotless and spacious: chocolate-stained vanities, granite counters and George Kovac light fixtures. The exhaust fan in the bath is so quiet you will first think it's not operating because it barely emits a whisper while running. Inside laundry area has a stacked washer and dryer, too. But the size of the master suite is astounding, almost 23-feet long. Plus, two double closets.

Coveted parking for units above the 11th floor gives you a covered parking spot with elevator access, a feature the lower-floor units don't enjoy. The home is also solar heated and the sellers say they never have to turn on the heat in the winter. In the summer, you can feel the cool Delta breezes rolling in from the Bay while enjoying the fireworks over Raley's Field after sunset.

Call your Sacramento short sale agent or Elizabeth Weintraub for a private showing.

500 N Street, #1204, Sacramento, CA 95814

Offered at $245,000, subject to bank approval as a short sale

LYON REAL ESTATE

Elizabeth Weintraub

916.233.6759

Elizabeth Weintraub is an author, home buying columnist for The New York Times-owned About.com, a Land Park resident, and a Land Park real estate agent who specializes in older, classic homes in Land Park, Curtis Park, Midtown and East Sacramento. Weintraub is also a Sacramento Short Sale agent who lists and successfully sells short sales throughout Sacramento. Call Elizabeth Weintraub at 916.233.6759. Put 35 years of real estate experience to work for you. DRE License # 00697006.

The Short Sale Savior, by Elizabeth Weintraub, available through bookstores everywhere and at Amazon.com.

Sacramento Short Sale Agent, Elizabeth Weintraub, has the answers to your Sacramento short sale questions.

Photos: Elizabeth Weintraub

The Grange has received mixed reviews since opening downtown Sacramento last winter. When I asked my husband where he wanted to go to celebrate his birthday, the word "Grange" left his lips, so that's where I made our reservation.

The Grange is part of a new hotel, The Citizen, remodeled inside an 88-year-old office building. The entrance is on 10th Street, with valet parking on J Street.

The feeling inside the restaurant is that of an airplane hangar, designed to be upscale urban with a bit of an eclectic twist. I sat there imagining elevators and employees running late for work, dropping file folders; it has that sort of aura.

Our waiter, Justin, showed up to take our order within minutes of being seated. My husband ordered sparkling water, and I asked for a martini. Gin or vodka? (Oh, please, gin, real martinis aren't made with vodka.) Tangueray, Bombay or Gorden's? Olives? My husband received his sparkling water but my martini did not arrive. I glanced over at the bar. The bartender didn't look busy. The place was about half full by 7 PM. 10 minutes went by. Still no martini. But we got a small basket of bread with herb butter.

I played with my knife. It was pretty cool. The handle was flat and sideways, and it was purposely placed in the setting to balance on its edge. I asked Justin if my martini order was placed. He shot a look at the bar and went to retrieve it.

One of the great things about the Grange is its chef favors local ingredients, just like my husband does. We belong to a cooperative that delivers boxes of fresh farm vegetables every week. However, one of the reasons to dine out (for me) is to sample dishes that I don't ordinarily get a home, and most of the items on the menu were dishes that my husband prepares.

I selected seared Pacific ahi for an appetizer, which came served on a bed of thinly sliced fennel and red onion. Much as I like fennel and onion, there's only so much of it I can eat, and the portion delivered on my plate was a small salad in itself. The ahi was delicious, served with a bit of aioli. My husband ordered the breaded and fried dungeness crab over fresh pea pods, which wasn't anything out of the ordinary.

For an entree', I figured it's spring and what better time to enjoy lamb than in the spring? Even though I feel a little guilty and sorry for the lamb who gave up its life, as my husband says, it's better than mutton which has to be stewed for hours to soften its strong flavor. Still, my guilt wasn't strong enough to stop me from ordering it. The lamb rack chops were difficult to cut because so much of it was fat. But the flavor was yummy. The fingerling potatoes were a bit overcooked for my liking; however, the mix of spring vegetables, which were peas, carrots and asparagus, were cooked to perfection.

That's more than my husband had to say about his au gratin, which he ordered in place of the fingerling potatoes. The wafer-thin potatoes still had a bit of starch and crunch in places, as though it didn't evenly bake. His hangar steak, which he ordered medium, arrived medium rare, and had to be sent back to the kitchen. I love medium rare, so I tasted a bite before he sent it away, and found it incredibly delicious, melting in my mouth.

For dessert, my husband chose a dish of 3 types of sorbet. Two scoops looked like tomato and watermelon, but of course they weren't. They were Meyer lemon, pomegranate and we couldn't figure out the third. Jason assured us that the Grange has the "best desserts in Sacramento." I guess he has to say that because he works there. I disagree. I ordered a chocolate thing, and what I got was a rounded scoop of a fudge-chocolate with a hardened shell, drizzled with salt, nestled next to sugar-coated peanuts. It wasn't the best dessert I've ever had, but let me tell you, I ate the whole thing anyway.

Three hours later, our bill, with tip, including the martini and a glass of wine each, plus one small port, came to $150, which seems reasonable for that type of restaurant. It's less than we would have spent at Ella's or Waterboy. But the difference is we will go back to Ella's and the Waterboy. I sort of doubt that will give the Grange another shot, but I never say never.

The Short Sale Savior, by Elizabeth Weintraub, coming in June 2009.

Photo: Big Stock Photo

While on vacation last week, I finished reading "When You Are Engulfed in Flames," by David Sedaris. I've read everything Sedaris has published -- some of you may know him as the brother of Amy Sedaris or maybe you were in the audience with me when he came to downtown Sacramento to speak at the Crest Theatre last year. I always learn something from him -- such as did you know if you fell from a 10-story building and landed on your back that your eyeballs would pop out of your head? Yeah, it's true. He spent time at the coroner's office. Those eyeballs end up dangling like those cartoon character eyeballs, BAZOOKA.

I was telling my husband about a passage in the book about when Sedaris decided to quit smoking. His solution was to move to Tokyo for 3 months, rent an apartment and take Japanese language classes. That sounded like a logical solution to me, but my husband thinks he will go back to smoking because, as he put it, who would do such a thing? Well, I might. If I was a smoker who wanted to quit, moving to Japan might do it.

Sedaris says you can't be direct with Japanese people because they are offended. He says if you want to know the time, then you should ask a person if he or she has a watch. If you want to borrow money, then you ask if he or she has any money. You don't come right out and state your question point blank because it needs to be delivered in a softer, non-threatening manner that will let the recipient figure out what you are trying to say and answer in his or her own sweet way.

As we were discussing this, a very old man of Japanese ancestry walked into our restaurant. He wore faded blue jeans, sensible flat shoes, dark socks, a plaid shirt and small hat with a brim. There wasn't an ounce of fat on this guy, he was like a walking wall of lean muscle, moving slowly yet very erect. He joined a group of other people, and carefully sat at the head of the table. It might have been his birthday.

I leaned over to my husband and whispered, "I really want to ask him how old he is because he looks like he could be 102." Given the recent nature of our discussion, my husband waved his fingers toward the other table as though he was shoo-shooing me away.  To avoid offending this elderly gentleman, in keeping with the passive / aggressive nature Sedaris claims is inherent in the people of Japan, my husband suggested I get up and go ask, "Are you alive?"

The Short Sale, by Elizabeth Weintraub, coming from publisher Archer Ellison in January 2009.

Photo: Adam Weintraub, sea urchin in Kauai